Falling in Love All Over Again

So….to recap: friends for 3.5 years, dating 3 months (most of which was long distance), knocked up. Definitely a relationship curve ball. It was like we simultaneously fast-forwarded while going in reverse. 

It can take awhile to regain equilibrium from a turn of events like the one we have been experiencing. This has stretched and stalled our intimacy, raising the stakes of our relationship tremendously and suddenly. The good news is that we are both committed to this, and we are learning how to have fun together again. We are rediscovering what it is that made is fall for each other to begin with. The little affectionate touches are returning. We’re laughing. We’re saying “I love you” again. 

This weekend, he told me that this is “obviously all meant to happen.” That it’s destiny.


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From Kumquat to Fig and Other Fun Stuff

Today I am 11 weeks pregnant with our little Crunchy Rocker! Last week marked the transition from zygote to fetus and being one quarter of the way though the pregnancy, and today marked the size comparison jump from kumquat to fig!  :)  I also had my 2nd midwife appointment. 

Physical updates: The hyperemesis is finally subsiding, although I still have to take the Zofran 1-2x in the evenings for nausea. That’s definitely an improvement from 6+x/day! I’m actually starting to stabilize, weight-wise, and even gain a little (YAY!). I passed my urine dipstick test today, where I failed last time, and all my labs came back normal. I ordered a Sonoline B fetal heart rate doppler from eBay and got it in last week. I was able to find Crunchy Rocker’s heartbeat within 5 minutes! Such a reassuring sound, and it was awesome to share that experience with my 7 & 5 year olds. 

Relationship updates: Me and the BF are doing SO much better. We attended a couple of counseling sessions together, and are working on our general communication with one another. We have really just been focusing on us and dating one another and enjoying our time together. He has promised me to try to stay positive as much as possible and is doing a good job of it, and even of handling my crazy pregnancy hormonal mood swings. (Oh and the pregnancy lovin’ is AWESOME)

We are beyond the talks of abortion and adoption (FINALLY!), and I can actually talk to him about the baby without him freaking out.  He still wakes up panicky sometimes, but is taking his meds and doing a lot better. The first time I had him listen to the heartbeat on the doppler, he kinda just got quiet and asked me to tell him everything is gonna be OK. Today, he actually took a video of me doing it so he could send the sound of Crunchy Rocker’s little heartbeat out to friends and family! Gotta love technology! I also showed him the Daddy’s Little Rock Star outfit I bought and he said “awwwww” and smiled and seemed to really like it.  He’s been spending more time with my kids (including the first overnight with them here) and everyone is getting along fabulously!

I am finally feeling like we are on the same page and the same team and we can do this! 

Other fun updates: I have my final interview in a quite extensive process for a new job tomorrow! It would be a great move for me in so many ways and I’m feeling really, really good about it! Keep your fingers crossed for me!

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Counseling Today!

It went well. Had lunch with the BF before….I have hope again! I think we are gonna be able to work through this.  We can actually talk about pregnancy/birth-related stuff without him panicking.  It’s so nice to be able to talk about our baby as if that is a given!

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Growing humans is fucking exhausting. It’s really not possible to explain how much until you’re doing it yourself.


Growing humans is fucking exhausting. It’s really not possible to explain how much until you’re doing it yourself.

(Source: jedibaby)

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Could it be?!

BF has agreed to counseling! We go for our first appt on Wed.  He brought his dad over to meet my kids yersterday and we had a great time. He seemed more relaxed than he has in awhile.  

I’m finally feeling like there might be alight at the end of this tunnel! 

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So … I totally went MIA. Here’s an update.

Here’s what’s happening at 8 weeks: a bit of a belly starting to pop!

Catching Up on the Past Few Weeks: Body Stuff

I’ve been diagnosed with hyperemesis gravidarum, aka morning sickness on steroids.  I’m taking prescription nausea meds 24/7 and I still puke sometimes.  I’ve lost about 12 pounds and my midwife says she will put me in the hospital if I lose another 3 or more.  I’ve been teetering on the edge of a hospital stay for 2 weeks now.  So far I’m maintaining, but I’m still extremely tired, easily fatigued and I get dizzy and lightheaded easily.  I still haven’t been able to work, and am trying to figure out what my next steps are in terms of income.  I’m really surprised when I look in the mirror (or down) and see this pooch! It’s so early, but I guess my body just knows this ain’t my first rodeo and is falling into old patterns.  The baby is only the size of a green grape, so I know it’s not baby hanging out there! 

Catching Up on the Past Few Weeks: Relationship Stuff

I’d say it’s been a roller coaster, but it’s been more down than up.  When we went to my midwife to see about the hyeremesis, we got to see the little bean on an ultrasound and I has hopes that might help make things feel more real for the BF and he might actually get excited.  Nope.  He’s let go of constantly trying to make a case for me to get an abortion but has moved on to pushing for adoption.  Not gonna happen.  He’s completely seeing himself as a victim of the situation and has accused me of being codependent, needy, manipulative, reckless, irresponsible, insane and crazy.  Not exactly the kind of support I need right now.  I am having to emotionally disconnect from him to be able to function.  I alternate from being very sad/depressed over his reactions, to being very angry. I am trying to get him to agree to individual or couples counseling because I feel it’s the only way for us to be able to stop this cycle of spinning in the same shit and move forward.  

I bought my first item for the baby today…well, really it’s more for the BF, but I’m not sure when I’ll give it to him. I just couldn’t pass it up:

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OK, Enough Already!

Seriously?!  Saturday morning we wake up to what is supposed to be a relaxing day on the ranch and meeting my parents.  Then, once again the rug is pulled out from under me! The BF was not right and after some probing he told me he was going to wait until my family was here, but that he thought it would be a mistake for us to move forward with the pregnancy.  Um, say what?!?

Time Out for a Moment.  I’m not trying to get political here.  I actually support a woman’s right to choose.  I just know deep down in my heart of hearts that I could never, ever make that choice for myself.  It would destroy me.  This, I know.  Ok, back to the story…

I felt the blood drain from my face.   I think, on the outside, I was quite calm and matter-of-fact, asking questions and talking calmly…but inside I was churning and breaking and tingling and spinning.  My brain could not process this information.  Everything the BF had said up to this point had indicated to me that, while unplanned, this was something he was excited about in the long run.  Why the sudden about face? I called my family to come.

Circle the wagons.  As always, my family completely rocks! They came over (mom, dad and aunt) and we all 5 talked for a long time.  My aunt said that these types of situations sometimes bring out the scared little child in people.  Well let me tell you, the BF was one terrified little kid! Independently of each other and without knowing I had said the same to BF that morning, both my mom and aunt told BF that an abortion would destroy me.  They also said that I would be fully supported regardless of whether he decided to walk away at this point.  It was nice to feel that kind of support. 

A shift….maybe?  As the dust settled on the morning, BF seemed to open up and relax a little.  We even talked about names off and on.  His heart just felt more…open.  I felt more connected to him than I had since the day we found out.  We went out with my family that evening and had a nice time.  I felt like he was settling into the idea now that he knew I intended to move forward.  

The drive home.   The next morning, things seemed to be back in the shitter.  I was feeling panicky again knowing that the time to go back to work - the biggest trigger of my panic attacks - was drawing nearer.  And, I never want to leave the serenity of the ranch.  Plus, BF was back into panic mode as well.  It was a long and mostly silent trip back.  He kept asking me questions I didn’t know the answer to, like “What are we going to do with a baby when you go back to work?”

Morning strikes again.   This morning, I was all by myself at home and launched into another bad panic attack while trying to get ready for work.  I texted BF for support.  His advice was basically to “Buck up and power through it….just get in the car and drive to work.”  I tried….my lips went numb on the way there and the attack continued for about 45 minutes after I got there.  I spent most of the day in a dark office hiding away from most people, and left early.  

So here I am.  I don’t know what tomorrow will bring.  Heck, I don’t know what tonight will bring! I’m a mix of emotions, hormones and morning sickness.  Basically a hot mess.  I’m pretty hurt, sad, angry and disappointed by the way the BF has been handling this, but I’m trying to cultivate compassion by seeing him as a scared little boy and hoping he can come to his senses soon and start being there for me and our growing little family.  There is still so much to think about and figure out, but I am just focusing on what’s in front of me so I don’t flip out again!  Lots of family and friends have been offering prayer and support, and I’m taking them up on it, but I’m not feeling it.  I feel lonely and alone.  And sad. I think there’s a scared little girl in me that is not doing so well right now. 

5 Week Sway Back Baseline Belly Bloat.  

Well, rock bottom got worse. More anxiety panic attacks, but the BF called in reinforcements and I am hoping I am back on track now. We are headed for a peaceful weekend in the country today, and he will meet my parents and aunt. Hopefully the time away will be just what I need to get over this hump. I have big plans to sit on the porch, watch the trees and birds, and hang out with some cows.

It starts.  Oh, and last night, I think the beginnings of morning sickness started inching their way in. Boo.

My mantra: I can do this. I am supported in all ways, always.

5 Week Sway Back Baseline Belly Bloat.  

Well, rock bottom got worse. More anxiety panic attacks, but the BF called in reinforcements and I am hoping I am back on track now. We are headed for a peaceful weekend in the country today, and he will meet my parents and aunt. Hopefully the time away will be just what I need to get over this hump. I have big plans to sit on the porch, watch the trees and birds, and hang out with some cows.

It starts.  Oh, and last night, I think the beginnings of morning sickness started inching their way in. Boo.

My mantra: I can do this. I am supported in all ways, always.

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Can This Please Be Rock Bottom?

Had the rug pulled out from under me last night. BF had kinda checked out emotionally for a few days.  I figured he was just working through stuff, needed some time and he’d be fine. He invited me to dinner last night.  Afterwards, we went to hang at my place and he told me he can’t move in with me right now. 

Bring on the breakdown! I had a breakdown/panic attack that lasted from probably around 9:30p until 2:30a.  I woke up and couldn’t get myself out of bed this morning.  My eyes are a red puffy mess and I’m cramping.  Not a good day.  

Conversations have ensued. We have been passing messages back and forth a bit today, each explaining our reasons for feeling the way we do about when we should move in together. I’ll spare you are the gory details, but so far it’s an impasse, I guess you could say. 

Can I please wake up? I feel like I am trapped in a nightmare and I can’t wake up.  I feel like the weight of the world is resting on my shoulders along right now. I feel like the one person who should be standing stalwartly by my side has emotionally abandoned me in my time of need. This has to be rock bottom, right? 

Please let it get better from here.  

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Reality Bites

^^^Yeah, I think that’s pretty much how I look right now.^^^

Ok, so I’m now a whopping 4 days into knowing I am pregnant.  Let me just say, when reality hits, it hits hard. And when reality is seen through the filters of pregnancy hormones….Well, it’s a recipe for panic attacks!

1,000’s of Questions:

  • What city will we live in?
  • Will we find a house that fits our needs?
  • Will I be able to keep up at my current job through my preggo-brain?
  • Do I even want to keep my current job?
  • If I leave my current position, what will I do?
  • Who will be the breadwinner?
  • What will I do after I give birth, job-wise?
  • Could I leave an infant if I have to go back to work?
  • Could I stay on task if I decide to freelance or work from home?
  • How will my BF cope with the switch from the single life to living with me and my 3 kids?
  • Will we be able to communicate and be there for each other through this process while we are still getting to know each other?
  • What will I do if he has to go back out on tour and I’m home alone either pregnant with 3 kids or with 4 kids?!
  • Can I just take a freaking nap?

These are just a few on the 1,000’s of questions that constantly scroll through my brain like the beginning of a Star Wars movie on fast forward, making it all but impossible to concentrate on work!

Breathe Deeply and Say “Ooohmmmmmmmmm!” I know I should be reducing stress levels and breathing and relaxing, but instead I’m feeling my tension and panic levels ratchet up higher by the minute.  

"If I can just make it through this week, we’ll be headed to a relaxing weekend at my family’s ranch, and everyone will get to meet the BF for the first time….they are going to love him and it will all be good."

Leave and Never Come Back. Those thoughts are comforting, but they don’t help me to complete the increasing mountain of tasks at my feet at work.  I’m so tempted to just throw in the towel, walk out, and never come back.  My skills and experience are in demand.  I could get a new position (probably paying more) pretty quickly. One with cheaper/better benefits, a work-from home option, and maybe even paid maternity leave.  See? It’s super easy to talk myself out of this job. But how irresponsible would it be to just up and leave my job while preggo?

All of these questions and more to be answered at a future date. Hopefully just writing it all out will help relieve the tension enough that I can get some work done!

The Cat’s Outta the Bag and the Reactions are a Mixed Bag!

Cat's Outta the Bag!

To Tell or Not to Tell: I never seem to be able to keep my pregnancies a secret.  I feel like the whole “waiting until the 2nd trimester” thing is a fear-based mentality.  Anyway…..I guess I can officially say “The cat’s outta the bag!”

One Bite at a Time: I have completed most of the more daunting announcement conversations, and more and more people are finding out. It’s been really interesting to watch how people respond.  After all, this is my 4th, I’m not married, and my most recent relationship was with another woman!

Here are some of the more memorable responses:

A Coworker: “Man, just a few of months ago you were a lesbian!”

From my Mom: “What the heck? You’re just a few of months out of a no-penis relationship!”

…and my Dad (referring to BF’s occupation as a drummer): “Well, it looks like he’s been doing more than just beating his drum!”

Oy! Leave that last one to the very same man who, upon learning of my first pregnancy, turned to my husband at the time, shook his hand, and said: "Well, Son, I didn’t know you had it in her!"

Some of the more expected responses:

"Congrats….? …..Right?"

"You DO know how this happens, right?"

"You just can’t make up your mind, can you?"

"You really are a Fertile Myrtle, aren’t you?”

That Awkward Moment When… A lot of people seem unsure whether to console or congratulate me.  Quite a few have immediately celebrated and offered their support and congratulations.  Most have a quiet moment of shock or laughter when I first tell them. It’s all good. :)

Updates: So, yeah. Things are moving along.  I put in my 60’s day’s notice to my apartment, and me and the BF are gonna start looking for a house to rent! I’m feeling good, but definitely suffering from “pregnancy brain,” and my sense of smell is increased (which is both good and bad LOL). I’ve had a couple of round ligament spasms, and I’m sure I’ll be in maternity clothes next week if the adage that you show earlier each time holds true for me!

Next up: Deciding which city to live in, and preparing to take the BF to meet the family next weekend! Should be an exciting week!

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About this Blog: the Birth of Crunchy Rocker

Crunchy Rocker was born out of a need to anonymously tell a story about an intense time in my life. 

Let’s start here: I’m madly in love. For the first time in my life, I have thought to myself “Oh, so THIS is the feeling that the greatest love stories of all time are written about!” It’s a wonderful, wonderful thing.

A little background: I’m a divorced mom of 3 young kids (and self proclaimed crunchy earth mama), who just recently ended a long term relationship with a woman. Shortly thereafter, a longtime friendship (with a guy) blossomed into a beautiful new relationship. It began long distance because he was on tour with a band, but a few months in, he came home for the summer. The plan was to let him spend some time with my kids and for us to spend time together figuring out how we work together as a couple in the same city. I was looking forward to a fun summer of love!

Expect the unexpected: On July 5, 2012, I tested positive on a pregnancy test. I took another one the next day, just to be sure, and well….the first one wasn’t lying! I’m due March 14, 2013, which is - ironically - our 1 year anniversary. A friend of mine summed up our collective feelings pretty well when she surmised that I probably felt like:

"Yay, a baby! …..Oh, shit!"

What the future holds: Who the heck knows, anyway? There are thousands of decisions to be made from here, and I’m a bundle of emotions about it all.  But I do have faith in my relationship and our ability to blend my crunchiness with his rockerness and build an awesome family together! I hope you will enjoy following along on the journey!